Making friends and hosting

In the early days of university, some people at my college and I started a card-playing group. Most days until late, a Merton common room became a space for wide-eyed first years who were still getting to know each other, to hang out over silly card games until late, with a background of delirious chat. This setting was surprisingly effective at bringing people closer; it revealed their sense of humour, competitiveness, music taste, how they felt about their degree, and their views on certain philosophy topics (mostly hot year 1 PPE topics such as free will, utilitarianism, or if we should care about philosophy at all).

Unknowingly, I had created a recurring, casual, self-selecting space, something Socratica believes is crucial for forming genuine friendships and fostering collaborative work across arts and sciences. Since then, I've noticed many spaces like that around me: a friend with an "open door" policy where anyone can pop in for a chat in his room, another hosting weekly brunches with a hand-selected group. I run [orchard], a casual community for makers in Oxford to work on their projects, every week during term.

The card-playing group lasted just over a term. Eventually, we naturally branched into smaller, more intimate friend groups that felt more rewarding. I have a hypothesis that good conversation requires either novelty or genuine closeness (and I think there is some scientific evidence to back this up. will investigate!). This year, I've been working to expand my friendships beyond my college and course. I've been intentional about hosting gatherings and arranging meaningful conversations with people I want to get to know better. The returns have been significant - I've made many new friendships that I value.

Below are some tips I've picked up on finding "your people" and hosting nice gatherings, to be used for organised events for the public, as well as small friend group hangouts.

• Initiate! Almost always works & gets things moving. Hosting the events you want to be at is a great way to be at those events!
• Invite people individually as opposed to sending a mass invite/making a group chat before/dropping it in a discord server
• Another similar mistake is writing really boilerplate/professional text in the description of the event. E.g. something you would put on a public-facing website. Write something more casual, like "Hi, some friends and I are running <a thing> for <this type of people> — if you're interested reach out. you can read more at <link to professional detailed description>
• but do make a group after so that people have each other's contact and can follow up
• When you're inviting people, think about the interactions between people. What kind of conversations do you want to have? Who absolutely needs to meet? Who will talk to who?
• There is a different kind of warmth when someone visits my (Indian) family, especially relatives in India. Any and all food is offered to guests: it is a warm feeling. The 'you can have as much as you want!' or 'no, please, have some more!' energy is very sweet; people are usually positively surprised by this type of easy generosity when I host something like chai and snacks or when we have (not Indian) people at my family house.
• Create a vibey space to be in: warm lighting feels good, seating should be suited to the activities happening, if the gathering is small, go for cosiness through textiles, soft furnishings, music
• If you're aiming for a diverse range of attendees (whether this is gender, race, or even discipline), invite people from less represented groups first and let it circulate in those communities first and individually, before sharing with the public. Watch this for more on pushing for equality in communities you run.